Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Looking Back

First off, can I just say that you guys are getting a special treat with two days of postings in a row!! Lol, as if my posts are that interesting :)

Anyways, I don't have much interesting to say today as far as the baby goes. But I wanted to share something because it is blog related. Last night for some reason I started reading over my blog going back to the night before our final FET transfer. I couldn't believe how emotional I got reading over all those posts. It was only 21 weeks ago that everything happened but in some ways it feels like that was years ago. But it also seems crazy to think that I was going through that just 21 weeks ago. Like I said, it was very emotional and as I read each and every post I felt like I was reliving all those emotions. I remember how scared I was that it wasn't going to work, and agonizing over every little twinge I felt. I also felt so much love for Mike as I read all the little things he would say to reassure me throughout the whole process. And of course, the most bittersweet memory was the day we found out I was actually pregnant! But probably the most touching thing for me was being able to share some of those moments with Mike. I was reading him a bit from the post the day we found out I was pregnant about how nervous I was while waiting to see the HPT results. He looked at me with such a serious face and told me what I already knew but he had never actually said out loud. He told me that the day we found out our first FET didn't work was one of the worst days of his life. When I think back to that horrible phone call I remember looking at him while I was still on the phone with the nurse and I could see the total devastation in his eyes. But quickly that look disappeared and he jumped into his alpha male mode and was all about taking care of me and my devastation. I always knew that he must have been crushed too but we just never spoke about it. To hear him tell me how badly he hurt that day broke my heart and it was like I was reliving that day all over again. But then he told me the sweetest thing. He said that he was crushed not because the FET didn't work because he knew we would eventually get pregnant. He said that what hurt him was seeing how devastated I was. He said that he just watched me sob and sob and would have done anything to take my pain away. How did I get so lucky to marry this amazing man who loves me so much? Over all, it was such a surreal thing to be able to read everything back and realize how truly blessed we are to be where we're at right now. 

I guess the point I am taking forever to get to was that I realized how cathartic it has been for me to blog and get my emotions out. I don't know that I would have made it to this point without becoming a complete nut job if I didn't have a way to vent. So thank you to everyone out there who has followed and still follows my journey. Thank you for all your words of encouragement. It means more then you will ever know!


  1. I think it is good to look back and reflect on what you and your DH have been through - it seems like IF sticks with you long after a BFP.

    Continued good wishes for your pregnancy!

  2. I often look back to see how far we've come. Still rooting for you, as always.