How Do You Focus On Anything Else?

It is two days until our FET and I am finding it impossible to think or do anything else at all! I literally feel like all I want to do all day is update posts on TheBump.com, update my blog, read other IF blogs, browse Babies-R-Us online etc... 

I am terrified that I am getting so excited about this and I don't know how I am going to handle the news if I don't end up getting pregnant this time around. On the one hand I want to be positive but I also want to watch out for my mental health. The thing is, how do you not get your hope up? That's the shitty part about infertility - it's a mental fuck! Excuse my language, I don't normally talk this way but there really is no other way to put it. Not only is it physically insane what your body goes through, and emotionally draining because of all the crazy hormones running a muck in your head, but you begin to feel like it has to work or else what was the point of it all?!?! Surely all of the hard work I've gone through must be for something, must result in something, right? I don't even know how I am going to get through tomorrow, let alone sleep tomorrow night! 

Well that's about it for now. I'm sure I will update you tomorrow on how stir crazy I will be feeling!

A Whole Lot Of Gross!

Today I started using Crinone Gel and will be taking it every morning for the next month or so (assuming i get my BFP this time around). Only one word describes the experience: NASTY! It is a progesterone supplement that is meant to help aid in the implantation process. It comes in a little applicator, almost like a tampon, and is filled with goopy gel. It's pretty easy to insert, just stick it up there and squeeze. But it is such a strange feeling as it squirts up there (yes, I am going there)!! I suppose in the big picture sense it isn't bad. After all, it's not like I'm stabbing myself with another needle or anything. I just hope I don't have to deal with the seemingly common "leakage" issue (YUCK!!!). My nurse said to take it every morning because as I walk about throughout the day the movement of my body will actually help the gel coat the inside and absorb, lessening the likelihood of it leaking. If I were to apply it at night and then just lay around the house and sleep then it would accumulate and that's when it leaks. So today I helped my in-laws clean out their garage and so far no leakage, yay!

I also started Progesterone injections last night. I thought I was prepared for this shot since I've been taking Delestrogen for a couple weeks now and it is also a thick oil. But boy was I wrong! This PIO stuff is T-H-I-C-K!! Pulling it into the syringe was even hard because of how thick it was. I didn't feel anything as Mike injected it (it also goes in my upper butt/hip area) but it did take a long time to inject since it was so thick. As per our usual butt shot routine, we rubbed the injection area for a couple minutes afterwards and I have yet to feel any pain. Only time will tell though...

In other news, Mike and I have been having a lot of hypothetical conversations lately about the chances of us getting twins since we have agreed to transfer in two embryos. I must say the more we talk about it, the more positive we are about the whole idea and actually kind of excited about it, if that's even possible. Mike even keeps talking about things we will need to buy two of if we do have twins, as if it's actually going to happen and he is beginning to plan for it! While it is fun to daydream though, it does start to feel overwhelming when I really start thinking about it. I think it's the kind of thing that you shouldn't worry about until it happens though, and then just take it a day at a time... 

In the meantime, we are trying to enjoy this week before the big transfer day. We had friends over for a BBQ/pool party yesterday, we've been going to see lots of movies and going out to restaurants... I'm feeling so excited and hopeful, I just hope i don't feel unbelievably crushed if it doesn't work this month. I'm trying to not get my hopes up but how can you not? 

That's it for now. I hope you all are having a great weekend!

All Systems Are A Go!

I had what I am calling my "final" monitoring appointment today with Dr. Lee. I say final because I have officially been given the green light for our frozen embryo transfer on next Thursday, September 13th! At today's ultrasound my uterine lining was a perfect 9 triple layer (whatever that means), so I guess that means this oven is ready to bake a little bun!!

Once I got dressed we moved into the "comfy room", as I like to call it, to discuss how many embryos we wanted to transfer- basically his office/consultation room instead of one of the exam rooms. We explained that while we would obviously prefer to only have one baby at a time, we are OK with the idea of having twins but we really don't want to have triplets or more so we are nervous about putting in two embies. But at the same time, I know the odds of getting a positive is higher with two so that in itself is a compelling argument for putting in two embies. After much discussion about odds we decided to leave it up to fate. As it turns out, half of the 10 embryos we have were frozen in pairs, while the other half were frozen individually. We are going to thaw one of the pairs and if both survive the thaw then we will put both embies in and let God decide. If, however, only one embie survives the thaw then that will be all we put in and pray that it takes. Mike and I both left the office feeling really comfortable with our decision so i guess only time will tell what is going to happen.

Today's appointment was also another jam packed visit as far as information goes. I got my official schedule and it was filled with tons of different colored highlighters which of course gave me an anxiety attack just looking at it. I'm just happy that it is broken down by day so it's pretty much dummy proof.

Here is a breakdown of what I will be doing over the next week to prepare for the transfer:

*Continue taking 1mg Dexamethasone, 1 baby Aspirin, 1 Prenatal Vitamin Daily. Also continue injecting .4cc Delestrogen every 3rd night.

Tonight: Inject .5ml HCG

Saturday: Begin injecting 1ml Progesterone (Ethyl Oleate) nightly

Sunday: Begin using Crinone Gel (gross gel that I have to insert vaginally!!!) every morning

Tuesday: Inject .1ml HCG

Wednesday: Begin taking Doxycycline 100mg twice daily and Medrol 16mg once a day for 4 days

Thursday(Transfer Day): Take Valium 10mg 1 hour prior to transfer. **Bonus I actually get to eat and drink whatever I want prior to the transfer, unlike prior to the egg retrieval! I will be on strict bed rest the rest of Thursday and all of Friday, only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom.

Friday: Inject .1ml HCG

Monday: Inject final 1ml HCG

After all that I will continue to take the Delestrogen shot every 3rd night, as well as the nightly Progesterone shot and daily Crinone Gel. I will also continue taking the baby aspirin and prenatal vitamins through the first few months of pregnancy, I believe. 

I am scheduled to go back to see Dr. Lee on Tuesday, September 25th to have my beta test which will tell them if I am pregnant. I have decided that I don't think I want to take a home pregnancy test prior to this appointment. For a while I was thinking that I might want to POAS (pee on a stick) a day or two before so that I could prepare myself if the results are negative but I just don't know that would make me feel any better. Knowing myself, I would end up thinking that maybe the test was wrong and give myself false hope to only be crushed again when the beta came back negative. No, I think I am going to wait and let the doctor tell me yes or no.

I'm feeling really good right now, very excited. I know that this isn't a for sure thing and there is a real chance that we won't get pregnant from this cycle (though I am trying to be positive). But I think I'm just happy to be seeing the fruits of all our labor, so to speak. It's like we've gone through so much with all the injections and stimming, all the appointments and the egg retrieval, all the pain I went through with OHSS after the egg retrieval etc... Then we had to be delayed and wait a month. I understand it was for the best but it's so exciting to be finally reaching the end of this cycle one way or another. I read and post a lot on the infertility board on TheBump.com and it has literally kept me sane over the last few months. I have honestly learned so much from all the amazing women there and have genuinely begun to care about their stories and whats happening with them. But its been so hard to see women who I remember starting their cycle after me already pregnant and moving on while I've been stuck in this holding pattern. Don't get me wrong, I am totally happy for them and don't begrudge their experiences at all especially since I know a lot of them have been at this much longer then me. I guess I'm just trying to say that I am sooooo ready for this Thursday! 

Well, I guess that's all for now. If there is anyone out there who actually made it through this ridiculously long post, please please please keep your fingers crossed for me that this works!! Thanks :)

We're Back!

I'll start this post with an amazing photo I took of The Grand Canyon a few days ago... Seriously, it's breathtaking, isn't it?!?!

Mike and I drove home today from our mini vacation in Arizona/Nevada and I can't say enough how happy I am to be sleeping in my own bed tonight. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast over the last few days but my back is killing me... We first drove to Goodyear, AZ Friday night and stayed with a couple friends through Tuesday morning. We mainly lazed around, swam, ate, and laughed. It was great to catch up and just relax. Then Tuesday morning Mike and I said goodbye and headed off to see The Grand Canyon. It was kind of an impromptu stop so we didn't get to see as much as we would have liked but I'm still glad we decided to go (even though it was a LONG drive).

From The Grand Canyon we drove to Laughlin, Nevada to stay for a couple days. Neither of us had ever been to Laughlin and while we had heard that it is "an older person's Las Vegas" we thought it might be nice to get in a few days of gambling plus it cut our drive home into shorter drives. Well, the casino definitely wasn't what we were hoping it would be but we had fun lounging by the pool instead.

Finally, though, it was time to head back home and face reality. I have another appointment tomorrow afternoon with Dr. Lee to check how the thickness of my uterine lining is coming. I hope there is some progress and that Dr. Lee thinks we are still on for the FET on Thursday. Yup, a week from today we will officially be PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)! Speaking of all this infertility business, this was my first time traveling while having to take my meds. It wasn't that big of a deal since most days I just have to swallow a couple pills but I did have to take 2 shots throughout the trip. By now I am used to quickly mixing up the meds so the hassle was more just having to lug around everything and remember to take the shot. At home you get into a routine every night but when you are out on vacation  it's very easy to forget... 

Well, I just thought I'd check in and say hi since it's been a while. I'll update you with any news after tomorrow's appointment.